When I Was a Child.
When I was a child I spoke as a child, I wish I could remember what I said.
Todd Snider- When I was A Child.
Perhaps we are all, as adults, trying to remember childlike wonder and causeless joy, yearning for the spontaneous boundless and full aliveness that imbued our early years. We are searching for something we feel we have lost when we became grown ups. Maybe our lives have become predictable and somewhat stale. Every apparent separate individual will experience differently their relationship to a world they perceive as being outside of them and through which they negotiate their way in a complex web of relationship to one thing or another, one experience or another, one person or another. So, whilst some may feel life to be stale, others may feel quite content and happy. Underlying all of these states however is an invitation to come home, home to child like wonder at a world that’s always new, always fresh, totally unknowable and alive.
We all were children once, we all saw the world with fresh eyes, our excitement bubbling out of nowhere and spilling over us in waves at the most innocent and everyday things, playing tag or breaking the sound barrier on your new bike on the hill at the bottom of your road. It is often suggested that the reason we loose our wonder, our spontaneous and often causeless joy, is that we learn how difficult and cruel the word is as we grow up in and go out into it. The joy was really naivety at the nature of how life really is. Essentially we didn’t really know the world, so therefor we could be happy in our bubbles of blissful ignorance. I propose an alternative view.
The world is essentially unknowable and it is the constricted and contracted sense of being a separate individual that relates to a knowable world that is the actual bubble, the apparent prison from which we no longer see life as it really is, from which we yearn for something which we can’t put our fingers on. Like the line in the song goes, we wish we could remember what we said. It can feel as intimate and familiar as a childhood memory that we can’t quite verbalize or bring fully to mind, a feeling that’s fleeting and transient. Once you try to grab it, it moves away as if the very reaching for it simultaneously pushes it away.
So here it is, here’s the suggestion- the causeless joy and childlike wonder at the world we seek is nowhere other then where we always are, it is nothing other then what already is. It’s THIS, It’s life appearing as it is appearing now. What you are seeking appears to hide by already being what is, you are simply not seeing it due to the compulsive reaching for something else that will come around the next corner. You are living in hopeful anticipation of something better to come and all the while not seeing that it already is what is. Is there a more brilliant way to hide then by already being everything that is?
It is not seen all the while there is a looking through the filter of ‘me’, the contracted sense of being a separate self, which is added to everything.
The energetically contracted sense of being a separate person is what has ‘you’ yearning to be whole and complete, to not be separate to a world which you move in and relate to. The divine comedy is that you’re not. You don’t have a life, you never had. You are life. You are energy, aliveness, being, APPEARING as a separate self with volition who is moving in time and space.
You don’t have to remember what you said as a child, it’s more about the feeling, the energetic resonance, an intuition that cannot be put into words. Don’t we all have memories like that? Ones that we can’t verbalize but sense or feel in our bodies? It’s beyond the mind, beyond understanding, it’s this, just this.